Useless me

I hope i can found a job here..

I don't want to be my mom's burden..

I've told myself that i cant rely on anyone once i step in UK..

But look at me now..

Still the same old me.. *Well, maybe a little bit change on the obstinate part*

But still!

Need someone to accompany all the time..

Can't be alone anytime..

The worst part is, I'm even get angry at people who ignored me...

Not independent enough!!

I want to change myself..

How could it be that hard..

I wanna show to my family and my friends..

I want to reduce my mom's burden..

I'm such a useless person!!!

I just realized it..

How sad...

That moment when you're falling apart and nobody even fucking notice...

It's hard to stay positive if there's nothing goes right...

Got this sentences somewhere..

'You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you! You fight! You cry! You curse! Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way.'

Life is about how you force yourself to stay live...

Depression??

Few more hours gonna be 21st years old...

Never think that i will end up celebrate my 21st in overseas..

But, lately i'm having some kind of depression..

That's what my housemate told me...

Everyday wake up early and feeling nervous for no reason...

Maybe because of the assignment and something going on here..

Especially this week..

Birthday is a very important thing to me..

But i'm not in the mood to celebrate it now...

I feel like everything going on is not right...

every minutes i feel like angry and crying all the time...

I don't want to celebrate my 21st in this condition...

I wanna go somewhere alone and just sit there whole day...

i just want someone to be here...

So badly....

='''(

Existence

People always told their best friends what ever things they experienced..

It would make more comfortable to say it out..

But I feel so hard to tell out my feelings..

Kinda difficult to interpret the words in my mind...

So, i'm always be the listener..

I have a lot of thinking in mind but cant sat it out..

Blog is the only place i can write it down everything in my mind...

So hard to understand my existence in this world..

Am i the person who always be there for someone when only they need me...

Or i'm just a person who can be a listener and give advises to people who complaints in front of me...

Am i a bad person to ignore those people only care about me when they need my help?

and completely ignore me and reject me when i try to find them???

Sometimes you never realize how much you like someone,

until you watch them liking someone else..

<3

Dream

Dream..

it's weird for you to appear in my dream almost every night..

But the fact is, you are always on my mind and never want to go away..

Who's fault is it??

Is me...

I get this phrase somewhere..

"Feelings that come back,

Is the feelings that never go away"

<3

Cheshire Day Trip

Went to Chester on 011/10..

The started with a disaster which Jane just woke up whereby we suppose to leave the house in 15 mins..

I was shocked when she messaged me that she just woke up..

Well, of course I forced her to get ready where she already gave up not to go with us..

Luckily, we manage to arrive the bus station by 10 am..

But then another disaster..

The tickets was fully booked..

And one of the staff told us to get there by train..

So we walked to the train station and managed to reach Chester..

It was a tired journey becoz of the HOT weather!!

I'm tanned in the whole journey!!

Hate sun so much.. gosh~

After we finally reach Chester..

There's another disaster where 3 of us had no idea how to go to Cheshire Oaks..

So we walked and asked people around in the city center for 2 hours!

And we finally managed to get to there...

After reach Cheshire Oaks..

We had lunch in McD

(try to get Pizza Express but have to wait for 1.5 to get our table..=.=)

We start our shopping after everything settled down..

And there it goes again..

My shopaholic mental starts to buy everything that i saw..

"It was so damn cheap!!!

When and where else can I get these things if i don't get it now!!"

that was on my mind at the whole time i was there..

For all i know, I just spend almost £200..

But no regrets, I bought a lot of branded things with cheap price^^

And we went back after 'photo session'

Is a nice trip though!

Forget

I should make myself busier..

I should make myself happier..

I should make myself to smile everyday..

JUST TO LET ME FORGET YOU..

SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PLACE TO BE IN MY MIND...

<3

*My Heaven - Big Bang*

Heard this song in seoul fm just now...

It's so weird that listening to this song with this kind of environment..

I used to listen to this song like 4 - 5 times a day..

Brought back all my memories in cherating...

We used to listen to this song in our old car looking at the star...

we even said this song was very annoying..

Keep listening to it like 24/7 for 3 months...

But it sound so unfamiliar to me when i listen to it again...

I miss the beach, the old car, the empty house..

every memories we had in Cherating..

Time just passed so fast like i didn't realized had been a year and a half...

We used to live together..

Cleaned our house together..

Had dinner together..

Do almost everything together!!

Now, 6 of us barely contact..

I even end up live in Manchester now..

What will happen to us another year and a half??

Wen, Howie, Ren, Zhe, Shell..

I miss u guys so much!!!

SomeBody

No matter where I go in this damn world..

There always times that where the only place i want to be is right next to you...

<3

Be yourself and STOP trying to be anyone else!

Lee JunHo.. My emperor!

CUTE!! HOT!! SEXY!!

I miss him so much..

Love his photoshoot for Singles Magazine..

Definitely exploding my ovaries..

Haha, as in tumlr says...

New Life in Manchester

Almost a week..

Everything's seems different here..

trying hard to get use to the environment here..

I know i shouldn't said this now..

But i really wanna go home!!

I miss my family, friends and the environment in Malaysia..

Need to keep remind myself the reason I've chosen this path for my future..

I need to prove everyone that i can be independent!!

Gonna start my class tomorrow..

I'm nervous..

So many question in my head..

can i make any new friends here?

will i understand what will going on tomorrow?

can i really survive the rest of the year???

Those questions driving me crazy!

maybe i just think too much..

I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT!

FRIENDSHIP

What do you mean by friendship??

Since people are so flexible and easy to change...

Is there any long last friendship???

For me,

Friendship was much bigger than everything...

So I appreciate everyone who willing to call me as friend...

But once they broke my heart..

It feels sucks and will leave a eternity scar...

Friendship only occur when we really do care about someone...

And that someone do care about us...

But what if only we care and willing to do everything without any feedback from them??

Is this also so call friendship??

For me,

YES!!

If I treat that person as a friend..

No matter how she treat me...

I still look him/her as a friend...

But for some person...

It was a useless sacrifice..

Trying to teach me how to be selfish and able to said "No"..

So,

Should I??

2010 Memories~

had been so long didn't update my blog...

Been like a year..

Well, it is a new year now...

Is 2011 now...

I was supposed to update the last post in 2010..

But I've forgotten..

Anyway, everything I need to said actually is the same though..

I wanted to write down what I had been through in year 2010.

For me, year 2010 was a fulled with experience year..

Kindly same like year 2008..

But experiences in year 2010 was kindly like an adult experience...

I had my internship,

I had my 1st permanent job,

I had my graduation,

I had my 1st salary,

I had my 1st touch screen phone^^

Although my favorite year is still year 2008, but year 2010 was not bad...

Except the part we graduate and had to be apart with my best friends...

Well, I can say that this year also the year where people started to change..

Change to be more matured...

In this new year...

2011, I'm going to be 21...

Is the time for me to turn adult...

I do really need to change...

I must be independent..

Even though sometimes I hate myself so much,

But I need to change myself to a better person...

I have a big target this year!

I want to be mature enough...

No matter what happen,

I need to be strong!

New life is coming...