Useless me

I hope i can found a job here..

I don't want to be my mom's burden..

I've told myself that i cant rely on anyone once i step in UK..

But look at me now..

Still the same old me.. *Well, maybe a little bit change on the obstinate part*

But still!

Need someone to accompany all the time..

Can't be alone anytime..

The worst part is, I'm even get angry at people who ignored me...

Not independent enough!!

I want to change myself..

How could it be that hard..

I wanna show to my family and my friends..

I want to reduce my mom's burden..

I'm such a useless person!!!

I just realized it..

How sad...

That moment when you're falling apart and nobody even fucking notice...

It's hard to stay positive if there's nothing goes right...

Got this sentences somewhere..

'You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you! You fight! You cry! You curse! Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way.'

Life is about how you force yourself to stay live...

Depression??

Few more hours gonna be 21st years old...

Never think that i will end up celebrate my 21st in overseas..

But, lately i'm having some kind of depression..

That's what my housemate told me...

Everyday wake up early and feeling nervous for no reason...

Maybe because of the assignment and something going on here..

Especially this week..

Birthday is a very important thing to me..

But i'm not in the mood to celebrate it now...

I feel like everything going on is not right...

every minutes i feel like angry and crying all the time...

I don't want to celebrate my 21st in this condition...

I wanna go somewhere alone and just sit there whole day...

i just want someone to be here...

So badly....

='''(

Existence

People always told their best friends what ever things they experienced..

It would make more comfortable to say it out..

But I feel so hard to tell out my feelings..

Kinda difficult to interpret the words in my mind...

So, i'm always be the listener..

I have a lot of thinking in mind but cant sat it out..

Blog is the only place i can write it down everything in my mind...

So hard to understand my existence in this world..

Am i the person who always be there for someone when only they need me...

Or i'm just a person who can be a listener and give advises to people who complaints in front of me...

Am i a bad person to ignore those people only care about me when they need my help?

and completely ignore me and reject me when i try to find them???