Just want to be a better person

I've been leaving this blog once again..

I know that i've decided to update more when i'm in UK..

As what i've written before, i want to write everythng that happened here.. 

But it seems like i've lost my words, so just put is like this.. 

I'm gonna update here whenever i want but i DEFINITELY not gonna abandoned my dear blog..

This is the only place i can write about my true heart feeling (well, besides my twitter as there i canonly write limited words)

Anyway, i'll write down my true feelings here next time (when i feel like writing or typing?^^)

I had a lot of things on my mind these few months in UK.. Just that i have no urge to write it down here..

Update most of my feelings in twitter though..

I feel like writing now, and i'm going to continue this topic which i've saved in my draft for months...

I doubt what people think about me..

Every time i communicate with people, their thought about myself is bothering me like a lot...

Since i came here, i cant find any true people anymore..

I though that i've found a best friend but turned out we're completely stranger.. Not really stranger just can't be around together oftenly as we used to be..

I have quite amount of friends here but yet, how can i feel so lonely?? 

This is not me like when i'm in college..

I thought that if i'm back to study, i can found the joy and happiness that i had during college time..

But that not the case, i get to feel lonely quite a lot..

I've no thrust at people here, i have no idea what they think about my personality...

I admitted that sometimes i act like a total bitch  but everyone have their own weaknesses right.. 

I can tolerate other people's flaws because i know that it's her/ his nature..

But what do my friends think about my weakness.. I get angry easily at times and being impatiens.. The way i put on words might be quite harsh sometimes but i don't mean it..

Do they look me as their real friends too? like i treat them as my real friends..

Friends are not supposed to backstabbing right???

Honestly, i never want to be a bad person.. i just want to be myself and i pursue people who love to be friends with me understand my personality...

i never had any problems before this but people here are too complicated..

Maybe i'm too naive to think that everyone can accept other people attitude..

Because i was too considerate of people thought, i've become a bit of anti social i supposed?

I hate being around stranger, i can't stand fake people..

I over think what other people will think if i talk..

This is not me, this is not who i am last few years...

What should i do? :'(

Sincerity

Everyone have different personalities,

Everyone have different feelings towards different situation.

For me, showing my sincerity to people is important..

Any kind of situation.. Just show my own feelings..

But i can't do it...

Every time people said something.. i can't express my own feeling..

their feelings come first.. In my thought, i would always consider what will he/she think if i say out my feelings..

As time goes, i realized that i'm being fake to people..

This make me sick of myself and i really hate it so much!

Maybe some people thought that i'm double faces..

I've never want to be fake even for 1 second in my life..

I want to tell people what i feel..

But i'm afraid of the consequences..

I'm afraid of people hating me...

I'm afraid of being alone..

Sometimes i'm wondering...

What type of person i am?

Friends around me always express their own feelings and problems to me..

I always gave them advises and support..

But when i think about it again...

No one ever heard my feelings.. No one ever knew if i'm sad or angry...

Maybe it's my problem.. I couldn't show my own problems..

I'm tired..

Tired of thinking...

*Surprise Call*

I get a surprise call from my beloved best friends!!

Its on 17th January and i'm so freakin happy!!!

I'm happy that because i know they are still keep in touch..

I'm happy because i still can feel the feelings when we used to hang out together..

Even though i'm not in a good condition when i'm talking to them but i'm so happy to see them!!

I miss them :'(

So touched that they make effort to call me during their outing..

<3 them to death!!!!

Let Go

I'm unconsciously letting you go

Never thought that you will dissapear from my heart..

But surprisingly, i feel more relief now..

By not having you in my mind and by my side...

You're no longer the important one.. Sorry to say that..

But the only thing that i want to guard now is my family..

i want to do everything for them but not you anymore..

Maybe I've grown up..

Still, thank you for helping me to be a better person..

<3

London Trip on New Year Eve

Yeah, its time to write down this crazy trip before i forget..

I keep repeating on previous post and to all my families and friends about this crazy trip..

And i'm repeating it again now..=.=

I'm sorry to repeat the same word over and over again but it was the fact that this trip was REALLY CRAZY!!!

Why did i say crazy?

Here we go...

31/12/2011

We woke up early in the morning about 6.30 am and get ready to leave at 7.30..

We've waited for bus like for 20 mins and there's no bus so walked across to the rushlme area with our luggage to take other bus to the train station..

Lets skip to where we reached london..

We reach there around 10.30 am and managed to check into our hotel...

After everything settled down..

me and sara decided to go to the madame tussauds in baker street while jane and her mom wants to go shopping (as usual..) in oxford street...

Unfortunately, madame tussauds was so freaking crowded!!

We actually have to push and grab the freaking wax to take picture with it..

it was like competing with other visitors..

Its kinda funny though and one of the crazies experience..lolx

I'm completely no mood to grab and take picture with all the waxes they have there...

I just took some of it..

Anyway, as long as i managed to get a picture with my favorite vampire - Edward Cullen its enough for me^^

After madame tussaud, we went to oxford street to meet jane and her mom..

As expected, the street was crowded and much more people than in the city of Manchester..

I can see why its crowded.. because of the crazy sales and millions of shops..

Its new year eve though.. people not gonna stay home..

Anyway, first crime scene happened on the street where while me and sara are walking to find selfridges to meet jane and we heard a bang sound..

When i looked at the way of the sound came i saw a few of cops and chasing a man..

And some of the passerby started to chase the man.. i was like WTH??

I've no idea whats happening at that moment..

And people started to stop and gathered to look around...

We just stop for a few seconds and continued to find selfridges..

The crime was still a mystery..

After found jane and her mom, we decided to head back to out hotel room and get some rest before we go to for the countdown..

We took some pictures in the room and fixed our make up..

Around 6pm, we took the underground to embankment for the countdown...

Once we reached there, omfg!! we was amazed by the scenery of the river thame...

we walked along the river and get to the bridge where we can see the fireworks during the countdown..

The frenziness start at 8pm.. the crowd is increasing and there's no way to move even a little finger..

Jane then told us that she want to leave the bridge and move to other place where we can still see the fireworks cause she said her mom's back was in pained..

We then decided to move to the other side of the bridge..

Went through the crowd on the bridge was insane..

Second crime scene happen where people are pushing each other to walk on the bridge and there is a lady keep shouting to the guy in front of me that her child was being pushed..

i guess the indian guy in front of me accidentally pushed her child..

anyway, the guy was actually drunk and i guess his hand was accidentally pulled the lady handbag which made the lady misunderstood that the guy was gonna grab her handbag..

The lady was so brave and she straight away hit that indian guy face in front of me..

her hand was 1mm near my face..

and then the fight begin where people around beat each other to help them...

omg.. i'm so lucky to have sara by my side where she pulled me off the fight..

after we get to the end of the bridge, we was so shocked that the police had closed the entire road..

They don't even allowed us to get out of the bridge..

one of the officer told us a bad news that the other side of the bridge was the only way to get off..

so means that we have to get through the crowd all over again..

this time, everyone were drunk..

to get to the other side of the bridge was the longer journey i've ever had..

it was actually 5 mins walk without the crowd..

anyway, third crime scene happened when we're in the middle of the crowd and a man not far from me suddenly use the beer bottle to get into fight with other guy..

based on their insulting each other conversation, 

i guess is because of a woman...

it was so dangerous where they use glass bottle to fight..

uurgghh.. i'm getting tired to write the whole story down..

it was just 50% finish of the craziness..

anyway, i'm gonna stop here..

for further of the story just come and ask me face to face..

all i can say is i cant believe that sooo many things can happen in 1 day...

Continue to update on 13/6/2012
*It's so funny that i've read through my post and i found out that i just stop half way of this story. Still remember that my cousin was like shouting at me that she never see anyone write half story in a blog before.. Fortunately, i still remember all the incidents very clearly. So here it goes...*


After the third crime scenes, we managed to get to the other side of the bridge.. During the so called "journey" to pass through the crowd was unbelievable!!
I was crying in the middle of the crowed after i saw the third crime where there are more people started to get crazy and started to fight..
There is this one stupid morron just shout at me and holding his bottle and he was like few mm away from my face.. I started to cry when a bunch of drunken pushed me and made me fall..
Well, not completely fall down as there is a kind man who hold me and ask"are you ok?"^^
Anyway, sara and jane tried to calm me down as i was crying so badly..*i know it sound stupid and how useless i am, but trust me it was right to cry out loud*
After i get myself calm, Jane said that she and her mom is skipping the countdown and fireworks..
I was like "WTH!! after all we've been through?? just gonna give up like that???"
So they really determined to head back and we found an exit for them to go back to our hotel which we had to ask around the policemen where can they get public transport in the middle of the crowded city..
After me and sara sent them to the exit, we head back to the crowd to wait for the fireworks..
We found a place where is not really crowded and still a nice place to see the fireworks..
Waited there for 1 and a half hour...
Oh yeah, with RAINING!!
I was wondering could'nt it be any worst and there's another scene where a drunken guy keep teasing other people.. he was so drunk that even policemen had to involve to get him out of that place...
After waited and waited..
3,2,1
BOOM~ BOOM~ BOOM~
There it goes... The most beautiful scenery of fireworks i've ever seen...
Still clearly in my head how gorgeous it was...
After 10 or 15 minutes, it ends..
And there's where 2012 had started..
It was worth it to went through all of those shits to see the fireworks actually..
After that we went back to hotel, which we had to go through all frenziness and craziness of drunken crowd..


The next day, it was raining the whole day and four of us just walk around London with our umbrella..
Oh yeah, we get to see the parade too^^
It was a crazy trip but worth it...:)

New year, New determination!

First post in year 2012,

as usual, I'll write a little summary about my life in 2011..

An amazing year foe me..

Year 2011 was the amazing year despite year 2008...

Still, 2008 was the best!

If i would use a word to describe year 2011,

i'll say 'EPIC'

I've been through so many things...

I've met so many people and learn so many 'life lessons'..

Of course, I've been through the most challenges and struggles this year or should i say last year (2011^^)..

Out of all, the best was I've made a huge decision to study abroad..

In my life, i would never thought and don't even dare to thought that i'll go overseas..

But here i am, updating my blog in UK..

Here are the little summary what I've been through in 2011..

I've ended my job in Genting because i got a motivation out of no where to work overseas...

Maybe from my dear cousins who told me that she gonna find a job in USA..

and for some personal reason that encourage me to resign from that job..

Then my dad strongly opposed my decision and encourage me to study instead of working abroad...

Then i get the offer to study in Switzerland and UK.. and of course i chose UK^^

To fulfill my desire of using money each month (while waiting to fly off), i get a part time job in a big company until i leave Malaysia..

And at last, on September 12.. I said goodbye to my family and friends..

And have a 'challenging' life in UK..

Why did i say challenging?

Because i had my 21st birthday here without cake and ended up crying alone at night..

Well because i miss my family and friends so much plus! the stress from stupid assignments..

And Christmas with no happening at all..

Kinda disappointed..

and the most craziest last minute experience in London...

Seems ordinary.. But only i can feel the epicness in this year..

Anyway, new year new determination..

I hope i can travel more place in this world...

The most important is...

I really hope i can found my future path this year...

i wanna get more money for my family..

oh yeah and of course!!

I WANNA HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!

When will it be happen.. omg..

I've been waiting for this man for 21 years already!!!

Where is he???