Just want to be a better person

I've been leaving this blog once again..

I know that i've decided to update more when i'm in UK..

As what i've written before, i want to write everythng that happened here.. 

But it seems like i've lost my words, so just put is like this.. 

I'm gonna update here whenever i want but i DEFINITELY not gonna abandoned my dear blog..

This is the only place i can write about my true heart feeling (well, besides my twitter as there i canonly write limited words)

Anyway, i'll write down my true feelings here next time (when i feel like writing or typing?^^)

I had a lot of things on my mind these few months in UK.. Just that i have no urge to write it down here..

Update most of my feelings in twitter though..

I feel like writing now, and i'm going to continue this topic which i've saved in my draft for months...

I doubt what people think about me..

Every time i communicate with people, their thought about myself is bothering me like a lot...

Since i came here, i cant find any true people anymore..

I though that i've found a best friend but turned out we're completely stranger.. Not really stranger just can't be around together oftenly as we used to be..

I have quite amount of friends here but yet, how can i feel so lonely?? 

This is not me like when i'm in college..

I thought that if i'm back to study, i can found the joy and happiness that i had during college time..

But that not the case, i get to feel lonely quite a lot..

I've no thrust at people here, i have no idea what they think about my personality...

I admitted that sometimes i act like a total bitch  but everyone have their own weaknesses right.. 

I can tolerate other people's flaws because i know that it's her/ his nature..

But what do my friends think about my weakness.. I get angry easily at times and being impatiens.. The way i put on words might be quite harsh sometimes but i don't mean it..

Do they look me as their real friends too? like i treat them as my real friends..

Friends are not supposed to backstabbing right???

Honestly, i never want to be a bad person.. i just want to be myself and i pursue people who love to be friends with me understand my personality...

i never had any problems before this but people here are too complicated..

Maybe i'm too naive to think that everyone can accept other people attitude..

Because i was too considerate of people thought, i've become a bit of anti social i supposed?

I hate being around stranger, i can't stand fake people..

I over think what other people will think if i talk..

This is not me, this is not who i am last few years...

What should i do? :'(

Sincerity

Everyone have different personalities,

Everyone have different feelings towards different situation.

For me, showing my sincerity to people is important..

Any kind of situation.. Just show my own feelings..

But i can't do it...

Every time people said something.. i can't express my own feeling..

their feelings come first.. In my thought, i would always consider what will he/she think if i say out my feelings..

As time goes, i realized that i'm being fake to people..

This make me sick of myself and i really hate it so much!

Maybe some people thought that i'm double faces..

I've never want to be fake even for 1 second in my life..

I want to tell people what i feel..

But i'm afraid of the consequences..

I'm afraid of people hating me...

I'm afraid of being alone..

Sometimes i'm wondering...

What type of person i am?

Friends around me always express their own feelings and problems to me..

I always gave them advises and support..

But when i think about it again...

No one ever heard my feelings.. No one ever knew if i'm sad or angry...

Maybe it's my problem.. I couldn't show my own problems..

I'm tired..

Tired of thinking...

*Surprise Call*

I get a surprise call from my beloved best friends!!

Its on 17th January and i'm so freakin happy!!!

I'm happy that because i know they are still keep in touch..

I'm happy because i still can feel the feelings when we used to hang out together..

Even though i'm not in a good condition when i'm talking to them but i'm so happy to see them!!

I miss them :'(

So touched that they make effort to call me during their outing..

<3 them to death!!!!

Let Go

I'm unconsciously letting you go

Never thought that you will dissapear from my heart..

But surprisingly, i feel more relief now..

By not having you in my mind and by my side...

You're no longer the important one.. Sorry to say that..

But the only thing that i want to guard now is my family..

i want to do everything for them but not you anymore..

Maybe I've grown up..

Still, thank you for helping me to be a better person..

<3

London Trip on New Year Eve

Yeah, its time to write down this crazy trip before i forget..

I keep repeating on previous post and to all my families and friends about this crazy trip..

And i'm repeating it again now..=.=

I'm sorry to repeat the same word over and over again but it was the fact that this trip was REALLY CRAZY!!!

Why did i say crazy?

Here we go...

31/12/2011

We woke up early in the morning about 6.30 am and get ready to leave at 7.30..

We've waited for bus like for 20 mins and there's no bus so walked across to the rushlme area with our luggage to take other bus to the train station..

Lets skip to where we reached london..

We reach there around 10.30 am and managed to check into our hotel...

After everything settled down..

me and sara decided to go to the madame tussauds in baker street while jane and her mom wants to go shopping (as usual..) in oxford street...

Unfortunately, madame tussauds was so freaking crowded!!

We actually have to push and grab the freaking wax to take picture with it..

it was like competing with other visitors..

Its kinda funny though and one of the crazies experience..lolx

I'm completely no mood to grab and take picture with all the waxes they have there...

I just took some of it..

Anyway, as long as i managed to get a picture with my favorite vampire - Edward Cullen its enough for me^^

After madame tussaud, we went to oxford street to meet jane and her mom..

As expected, the street was crowded and much more people than in the city of Manchester..

I can see why its crowded.. because of the crazy sales and millions of shops..

Its new year eve though.. people not gonna stay home..

Anyway, first crime scene happened on the street where while me and sara are walking to find selfridges to meet jane and we heard a bang sound..

When i looked at the way of the sound came i saw a few of cops and chasing a man..

And some of the passerby started to chase the man.. i was like WTH??

I've no idea whats happening at that moment..

And people started to stop and gathered to look around...

We just stop for a few seconds and continued to find selfridges..

The crime was still a mystery..

After found jane and her mom, we decided to head back to out hotel room and get some rest before we go to for the countdown..

We took some pictures in the room and fixed our make up..

Around 6pm, we took the underground to embankment for the countdown...

Once we reached there, omfg!! we was amazed by the scenery of the river thame...

we walked along the river and get to the bridge where we can see the fireworks during the countdown..

The frenziness start at 8pm.. the crowd is increasing and there's no way to move even a little finger..

Jane then told us that she want to leave the bridge and move to other place where we can still see the fireworks cause she said her mom's back was in pained..

We then decided to move to the other side of the bridge..

Went through the crowd on the bridge was insane..

Second crime scene happen where people are pushing each other to walk on the bridge and there is a lady keep shouting to the guy in front of me that her child was being pushed..

i guess the indian guy in front of me accidentally pushed her child..

anyway, the guy was actually drunk and i guess his hand was accidentally pulled the lady handbag which made the lady misunderstood that the guy was gonna grab her handbag..

The lady was so brave and she straight away hit that indian guy face in front of me..

her hand was 1mm near my face..

and then the fight begin where people around beat each other to help them...

omg.. i'm so lucky to have sara by my side where she pulled me off the fight..

after we get to the end of the bridge, we was so shocked that the police had closed the entire road..

They don't even allowed us to get out of the bridge..

one of the officer told us a bad news that the other side of the bridge was the only way to get off..

so means that we have to get through the crowd all over again..

this time, everyone were drunk..

to get to the other side of the bridge was the longer journey i've ever had..

it was actually 5 mins walk without the crowd..

anyway, third crime scene happened when we're in the middle of the crowd and a man not far from me suddenly use the beer bottle to get into fight with other guy..

based on their insulting each other conversation, 

i guess is because of a woman...

it was so dangerous where they use glass bottle to fight..

uurgghh.. i'm getting tired to write the whole story down..

it was just 50% finish of the craziness..

anyway, i'm gonna stop here..

for further of the story just come and ask me face to face..

all i can say is i cant believe that sooo many things can happen in 1 day...

Continue to update on 13/6/2012
*It's so funny that i've read through my post and i found out that i just stop half way of this story. Still remember that my cousin was like shouting at me that she never see anyone write half story in a blog before.. Fortunately, i still remember all the incidents very clearly. So here it goes...*


After the third crime scenes, we managed to get to the other side of the bridge.. During the so called "journey" to pass through the crowd was unbelievable!!
I was crying in the middle of the crowed after i saw the third crime where there are more people started to get crazy and started to fight..
There is this one stupid morron just shout at me and holding his bottle and he was like few mm away from my face.. I started to cry when a bunch of drunken pushed me and made me fall..
Well, not completely fall down as there is a kind man who hold me and ask"are you ok?"^^
Anyway, sara and jane tried to calm me down as i was crying so badly..*i know it sound stupid and how useless i am, but trust me it was right to cry out loud*
After i get myself calm, Jane said that she and her mom is skipping the countdown and fireworks..
I was like "WTH!! after all we've been through?? just gonna give up like that???"
So they really determined to head back and we found an exit for them to go back to our hotel which we had to ask around the policemen where can they get public transport in the middle of the crowded city..
After me and sara sent them to the exit, we head back to the crowd to wait for the fireworks..
We found a place where is not really crowded and still a nice place to see the fireworks..
Waited there for 1 and a half hour...
Oh yeah, with RAINING!!
I was wondering could'nt it be any worst and there's another scene where a drunken guy keep teasing other people.. he was so drunk that even policemen had to involve to get him out of that place...
After waited and waited..
3,2,1
BOOM~ BOOM~ BOOM~
There it goes... The most beautiful scenery of fireworks i've ever seen...
Still clearly in my head how gorgeous it was...
After 10 or 15 minutes, it ends..
And there's where 2012 had started..
It was worth it to went through all of those shits to see the fireworks actually..
After that we went back to hotel, which we had to go through all frenziness and craziness of drunken crowd..


The next day, it was raining the whole day and four of us just walk around London with our umbrella..
Oh yeah, we get to see the parade too^^
It was a crazy trip but worth it...:)

New year, New determination!

First post in year 2012,

as usual, I'll write a little summary about my life in 2011..

An amazing year foe me..

Year 2011 was the amazing year despite year 2008...

Still, 2008 was the best!

If i would use a word to describe year 2011,

i'll say 'EPIC'

I've been through so many things...

I've met so many people and learn so many 'life lessons'..

Of course, I've been through the most challenges and struggles this year or should i say last year (2011^^)..

Out of all, the best was I've made a huge decision to study abroad..

In my life, i would never thought and don't even dare to thought that i'll go overseas..

But here i am, updating my blog in UK..

Here are the little summary what I've been through in 2011..

I've ended my job in Genting because i got a motivation out of no where to work overseas...

Maybe from my dear cousins who told me that she gonna find a job in USA..

and for some personal reason that encourage me to resign from that job..

Then my dad strongly opposed my decision and encourage me to study instead of working abroad...

Then i get the offer to study in Switzerland and UK.. and of course i chose UK^^

To fulfill my desire of using money each month (while waiting to fly off), i get a part time job in a big company until i leave Malaysia..

And at last, on September 12.. I said goodbye to my family and friends..

And have a 'challenging' life in UK..

Why did i say challenging?

Because i had my 21st birthday here without cake and ended up crying alone at night..

Well because i miss my family and friends so much plus! the stress from stupid assignments..

And Christmas with no happening at all..

Kinda disappointed..

and the most craziest last minute experience in London...

Seems ordinary.. But only i can feel the epicness in this year..

Anyway, new year new determination..

I hope i can travel more place in this world...

The most important is...

I really hope i can found my future path this year...

i wanna get more money for my family..

oh yeah and of course!!

I WANNA HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!

When will it be happen.. omg..

I've been waiting for this man for 21 years already!!!

Where is he???

the 20th post in year 2011

Boxing day sales

It's 26/12 and it's a Boxing Day!!

Also meant by Shopping day..

Today is the first time in my life experiencing the craziness of shopping day..

The sales is really attractive and people's frenziness really caught up my attention.. Totally chaos!!

I can't get over how the bags and skincare are empty from the displays..

The worst is it was still early..

I thought me and jane are the earliest..

But it was unbelievable that people are already queuing to wait the shops to open..

Really tired and its a hilarious experience though..

Christmas in Manchester

It's Christmas eve..

Well, is not going well as I've expected..

I have no idea that there's no one in the street and its so quite during christmas here..

the worst thing is the town is close at 5pm and bus services stop at 6pm..

Kinda disappointing actually..

Anyway, is ok though..

I just can't wait for new year eve!!

I'm going to London!!

当我们同在一起

刚看完这部电视剧。。这是我看得第四次了。。

真是百看不厌！！

看着这部戏让我回想到年轻时的我，

做过不少让父母担心的事，

老是跟弟弟妹妹打架骂架。。

因为这样常常被爸爸打，甚至离家出走过。。

还记得以前我很讨厌我家人呢。。

以前老是跟邻居朋友到处跑。。

什么游戏都玩过，真的跟戏里一摸一样。。

现在每个人都长大了，有些邻居也都搬走了。。

以前一起玩一起闹事的朋友都不知道变成怎么样了。。

小时候新年时一想到要回婆婆家见亲戚一定开兴得睡不着！

以前跟表姐和表哥也常吵架，每次会玩到其中一个人哭。。

还记得婆婆家有舞狮，我跟弟弟妹妹还有亲戚一定躲在楼梯口远远的看。。

现在，舞狮都没了。表姐新年也不回去过了。。我也没得回去过年。。

两个表哥都就快结婚了。。妹妹也说新年变得不好玩了。。

我们每个人都长大了，也都变了。。

小学时，天天跟好朋友留下来在学校玩，

还为了参加跳舞比赛功课每天不做，

最讨厌去学校被老师骂还有打，尤其是数学课。。

也记得我第一次写情书给我第一个喜欢的人。。

都过了十多年，我跟他现在还是朋友。。

每次谈回去小学的回忆我们一定都在吵架。。真好笑。。

小学毕业时还跟对方约定长大要一起结婚！天啊，想到这个真的笑死了！！

中学时，老是敲课。。

虽然当了两年的巡察员，因为当时不懂事还跟大姐大串通做她们的‘间谍’。。

然后叫她们欺负那些我看不爽的人。。甚至害到一位女同学停学。。

想回去以前的我，根本就喜欢故意闹事迎人注目。。真是幼稚！！

虽然还蛮刺激的啦。。哈哈！

幸好SPM让我乖乖读书，做个平凡的学生。。

中五那年是最快乐，因为成立了六叶死神社。。

当时班上的人都知道我们六个人是不可以分开的。。

一个人没来上课，另外五个就不来！

六叶死神社，现在的每个都有自己的路走。。

以前常常一起出街，打篮球，上课一起睡觉的我们都不一样了。。

进学院时，是我活到现在最快乐的时刻。。

我很幸运的遇到了好多很好的朋友。。

对我来说，我们班上的每一个人都是好人。。

虽然经历过不少冲突又互相看不爽，但快乐的回忆仍然最多。。

那些快乐，到现在还是无法找回的。。

我在他们当中找到了两个最好的朋友。。

为什么那两年的生活是多么的简单？不需要想些复杂的东西。。

找到工作后，一切变得不一样了。。

每个人的思想也没这么简单了。。

不管什么事情都不能单纯的解决。。

我变了，好朋友也都变了。。

虽然我又回去读书，可是还是找不回那份快乐。。

我知道我还年轻，我的人生才刚要开始，我还要经历的还很多。。

可是看完这电视剧后让我回想到这二十年我是怎么过的。。

我想以前的我万万也不会想到总有一天我会出国读书。。

我懂了，我知道家人不管怎样还是最重要的。。

不管我以前曾经多讨厌我父母和弟妹，

我现在知道他们才是这辈子不管怎样会站在我这边的人。。

我很满足我现在的生活，我要好好的过我的人生。。

不做后悔的事情。。真的很感谢一个人曾经的叫我怎么在社会上生活。。

也很感谢我的好朋友，会听我诉苦还有支持我。。

我会好好加油的！！

每次看完这部戏一定让我想到很多，害我写到这么长!

不过这电视剧真的很不错！！我一定会再看的。。

没能力的我们

人生真的很难过。。

当你觉得很无助的时候很想告诉一个人。。

可是却没一个肯听你说，明白和了解你的人。。

说给部队的人听只是得到相反的安慰或回复。。

就只能把所有事请写在这个没意义的部落格。。

人啊，就算把不开兴的事请讲出来给再好的听者听也没用。。

因为他们永远都不会明白我们心里说感受到的痛。。

到最后，还是要自己承担。。

自己的事情自己解决。。

我很羡慕她们，

因为她们有能力见到她们的家人。。

假期快到了，

全部都跑回家见父母。。

甚至还有幸福到父母来找她们。。

我呢？？

只能呆在房里不做什么。。

哪都不能去！！

因为我没能力。。

我可以生气，讨厌她们吗？？

因为我羡慕。。

凭什么还要叫我陪她带她家人走走呢！！

看你怎样花你妈的钱吗？！

我当然不能讨厌或生气啦。。

她们有能力也不是她们的错。。

只能怪我太想家了吧。。

现在后悔也没用。。

只能往好的方向去想咯。。

Useless me

I hope i can found a job here..

I don't want to be my mom's burden..

I've told myself that i cant rely on anyone once i step in UK..

But look at me now..

Still the same old me.. *Well, maybe a little bit change on the obstinate part*

But still!

Need someone to accompany all the time..

Can't be alone anytime..

The worst part is, I'm even get angry at people who ignored me...

Not independent enough!!

I want to change myself..

How could it be that hard..

I wanna show to my family and my friends..

I want to reduce my mom's burden..

I'm such a useless person!!!

I just realized it..

How sad...

That moment when you're falling apart and nobody even fucking notice...

It's hard to stay positive if there's nothing goes right...

Got this sentences somewhere..

'You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you! You fight! You cry! You curse! Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way.'

Life is about how you force yourself to stay live...

Depression??

Few more hours gonna be 21st years old...

Never think that i will end up celebrate my 21st in overseas..

But, lately i'm having some kind of depression..

That's what my housemate told me...

Everyday wake up early and feeling nervous for no reason...

Maybe because of the assignment and something going on here..

Especially this week..

Birthday is a very important thing to me..

But i'm not in the mood to celebrate it now...

I feel like everything going on is not right...

every minutes i feel like angry and crying all the time...

I don't want to celebrate my 21st in this condition...

I wanna go somewhere alone and just sit there whole day...

i just want someone to be here...

So badly....

='''(

Existence

People always told their best friends what ever things they experienced..

It would make more comfortable to say it out..

But I feel so hard to tell out my feelings..

Kinda difficult to interpret the words in my mind...

So, i'm always be the listener..

I have a lot of thinking in mind but cant sat it out..

Blog is the only place i can write it down everything in my mind...

So hard to understand my existence in this world..

Am i the person who always be there for someone when only they need me...

Or i'm just a person who can be a listener and give advises to people who complaints in front of me...

Am i a bad person to ignore those people only care about me when they need my help?

and completely ignore me and reject me when i try to find them???